breaking down the meaning of things so as to embody them more easily
learning from the work of Brené Brown
In last weekend’s post, I shared definitions of the fruits of the Spirit. It was through the work of Brené Brown that I’ve learned and benefited from breaking down definitions.
Years ago now I was trained in the work of Brené Brown: The Daring Way™. Later I also trained in her curriculum Rising Strong™. I came to notice something I was really benefitting from from her work- she spells things out. She doesn’t assume we’re all on the same page when we talk about “vulnerability,” “shame,” “trust,” “empathy.” She uses research that is already out there and engages it in meaningful ways so that there is a starting place to talk about some of the hardest things to discuss (like shame and vulnerability), even with our closest people.
I’ve realized even easier things to talk about like the fruits of the Spirit benefit from having shared language. It’s too easy to make assumptions about what things mean, and the vagueness makes it difficult to actually embody and live from that place. It’s a bit harder to know deep in your bones what something means, so much so that you know when you’re living from that place… and when you’re not.
For example, Brené breaks down “empathy” using the work of Theresa Wiseman and adds a piece of Kristin Neff’s work to it…
Perspective taking- genuinely looking at what is being shared from the perspective of the one who is sharing. It is so easy to stay in our own perspective without even knowing it, or assuming that our perspective is “the way” to see something. What is it like to genuinely acknowledge and engage someone else’s perspective?
Staying out of judgment- refraining from deciding what is being shared is good or bad. This is a great opportunity to practice #5 (mindfulness). We often don’t realize how frequently we jump to judging something whether it’s judging ourselves, what is being shared with us, or the person sharing it. Can we suspend judgement and simple be with whatever is being shared? Can we simply be with the person sharing?
Recognize emotions- identifying the emotions someone is experiencing as they share. Sometimes someone will name their own emotions, but more often, people are sharing content and emoting at the same time. And, it’s up to the empathic listener to register the emotions of the person you’re listening to. So much of the way we attune to each other is by picking up on each other’s emotions and then communicating what we’re registering…
Communicate emotions- so much of empathy is expressed in this key component of communicating emotions. As you recognize emotions in the person you’re listening to, can you articulate what you think you’re picking up on? It’s ok if you don’t correctly identify their emotions. It gives the sharer the opportunity to check in with themselves and see if that’s what they are feeling. They then have the opportunity to reflect back “yes'“ or “actually, I’m feeling more…”
Mindfulness- Kristin Neff - being aware of our own emotions and thoughts as we listen to someone else share. So, it is a both/and. We’re both listening to our own experience of thoughts and emotions while also listening for the thoughts and emotions of the person sharing.
Empathy is a word and concept that gets discussed a lot in our culture these days, and it’s incredibly helpful to have the breakdown of what it is exactly. When you feel like you’re messing up with empathy, it can be helpful to go to this list and use it as a bit of a checkin. Am I listening for their perspective or am I flipping into my own perspective? Am I staying out of judgement or am I slipping into thinking of this as good/bad/horrible/etc? Am I recognizing the emotions of just listening to content? Am I sharing what I think I’m hearing emotionally? Am I being mindful of my own emotions and thoughts? Suddenly, empathy doesn’t seem so ambiguous.
This can also work in the reverse way as well. Say you have a co-worker or friend who struggles to meet you with any kind of empathy. It can be helpful to fun through this empathy breakdown to access where the problem comes in… maybe they can take your perspective but they can’t hold their judgement back. Maybe they can’t articulate any emotions- yours or theirs. Maybe you can clearly tell this is bringing up something in them but they have no self reflection ability, so now you feel like you’re holding your stuff and theirs. Not fun! Maybe this isn’t the person you want to be sharing things with, and now you know why.
Vulnerability and empathy thrive when we’re in our Window of Tolerance. When we’re in hyper or hypoarousal, it is really difficult to see things from someone else’s perspective. It’s almost impossible to stay out of judgement. We struggle to recognize our own emotions, much less someone else’s emotions and be able to articulate them. Here again engaging practices to ease our bodies and minds out of overwhelm and into safety and challenge is where vulnerability and empathy can thrive in healthy and live-giving ways.
PONDER. What aspects of Following Spirit might be helpful to you for breaking down? Spirit, offerings of the Spirt, attuning to the Spirit, following the Spirit? Pondering the fruits of the Spirit more specifically one by one? 🍉🍒🫐🍋🍊🍇🍑🥝🍅
PRACTICE. Meditation is one of the many ways people grow their Window of Resiliency. Starting August 11th, I’ll be offering an on-line and/or in-person mindfulness group for 8 participants for 8 weeks. In October I’ll lead another 6wk offering. Both groups will take place Monday mornings from 9-10:15am Eastern Time. If you’d like to join in for one or both groups, you can find more information at my website here.
PARTICIPATE. If you feel so inclined, please share your ponderings in the comments section, so that we can ponder together. I’d love to hear what breakdowns might be helpful to you.
Ponder, practice and participate. Keep flowing in the Spirit. Grateful to be flowing together.